I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize