She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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