Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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