I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
