Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My ass is underappreciated
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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