dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
