Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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