i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
