I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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