After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
