normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
