Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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