o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
