there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
