woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
