I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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