her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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