Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
