I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
