I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
