I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
