if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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