I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
