she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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