I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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