Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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