Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
