Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
