i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
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Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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