Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
