i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
