i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
