fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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