My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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