I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Bring me that man meat
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
