Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
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90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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