I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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