I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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