my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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