just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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