im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
