bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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