wakey wakey hands off snakey
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
