I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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