The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
