tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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