I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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