I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
