Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
