Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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