Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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