She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
