Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
