i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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