Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
