true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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