Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
