Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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