I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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