My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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