did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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