Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize